Monthly Archives: April 2013

Esme’s Revenge

I looked out over the scummy city skyline, then I looked into the cracked mirror and realised I was probably the scummiest thing about this city. No matter how beautiful the girls I took for my bed. No matter how much dirty cash and gold jewels I hid behind in this sickly game. A sick pimp’s game. I was always a player, but it all got so out of hand as the years went on I hardly felt like a normal human any more. Maybe I’m supernatural now, or just super fucked up.

She was wheezing softly on the bed, Esme, the beautiful Irish raven haired creature. If I had ever become a real person I could have fallen in love with her; but those privileges are reserved for those who hadn’t yet cut out their souls. Unlike me, I don’t think I remember ever having one. I was born into darkness and never managed to crawl out into the light. I just dug deeper and deeper and dragged anything I could get my hands on so I could see how it felt to feel anything real or with meaning.  She meant something Esme did, I don’t know what.

I lamented over my state of mind, how I had been feeling more and more calm lately, not in keeping with my usual unhinged characteristics. It was something to do with Jimmy. The little shit had been snaking his way into my world, he was far too close for comfort now. I had been missing things myself because his cheeky ass was blocking my view of my own business. My own whore house, the world I had built. How dare he, but why not? I’d worked a similar magic to be stood here in rare possession of such unearthly treasures such as the lovely Esme. In terms of free will I would repel her, but with my power and supply of crack cocaine she was a puppet in my greedy hands.

Esme was a real beauty, like a fallen angel but today her face looked different. Her face looked less vulnerable, I could read an alien hope I had never seen across it before. This only added to my feeling of prophetic happenings unbeknown to me. I was too tired though and I felt it was all so beautifully out of my control for once, so I took a deep breath and let go of my lifelong rage and paranoia to s feeling of simplicity and surrender. it was purifying for a second, then through my peace the sound and movement of the door smashing into the floor off the frame violently shook me from my mind.

There he stood, the next worst thing. The next King of the underworld, Jimmy. I spun round to check if Esme was okay, but the bed was empty, the grey sheets almost jeering at me. Then I heard her soft, caressing voice and it’s betrayal sliced me like not blade ever had the power to. She was a new woman.

“That’s the last time you get to fuck me baby, so I hope it felt good. ‘Cos now you’re the one getting fucked.”

Here I am he thought, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The wall and young Jim. Esme an innocent rose between two thorns, her delicate body covered in scratches, inflicted on her by these dark sons of devils. That boy Jim had been clearing up my mess for months now, and this honey trap he’d painted with this green eyed fallen angel was as deep and sticky as any. I looked down at that all too familiar barrel, at the black hole inside staring right back at me. It was judgment day for this sinner, and I welcomed being evicted from my position doing the devil’s slimy, raw red work Continue reading

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Dream Dress/ Gown of Gold

Money honey treat me well,
I thought I paid my due.
I forgot how sunny you were,
When we used to fill up their smiles.

Now I lost face when I saw the price of life,
I lost myself because I bought the wrong dream dress.
I have endless dresses and dreams,
But this one was ragged, the threads were bare,

So beautiful a dress but I knew it didn’t fit.
So i threw it out, but the rest went with it.
I lost so much that I’d fought to buy.
Then through the faces of friends I found my dream.

I worked hard and paid off my pains,
Now I wear my Golden Gown,
And money honey, it cost such jewels I can’t afford.
But now I know my worth,

As I wear this dress on my new skin,
I hold the treasures I know pay for,
They are worth every tear.
For now I know no fear no more.

Not in my beautiful Gown of Gold.

Lunar Dreams

New moons and new beginnings
for when we fall the world may watch, 
yet feel our pain in the storms of destiny.

And when it feels like hope is leaving
just look up at the sky babe
and reach for the stars.
And here you’ll be found
and you will shine on my love.

For you’ll find a friend for life
of light
who bathes all creeds with love
a true love everlasting. 

A Sun man himself cannot block out,
Nor God our father. Nor Gaia our mother
for she lives on for life and love
as do we her children. 

Only A Child Of The World

As a child of Destiny you are in the hands of Fate.

                  As a woman I am shaking the hands of Destiny herself.

                  As a friend I am holding love in my arms.

                  As a young girl, I am trapped in the body of a woman.

                  As a foolish boy he is trapped in the body of a man.

                  When all I wanted was to be a bird and fly away with you.                              

Ocean View

I look out over the clear white sea as the retreating sun gently shines through sparse clouds. I watch as the sleepy skyline merges from the sea to the clouds and finally to the pale pastel blue that shelters us above, as far as the eye can see but further on towards the mystery of space not yet discovered. A faint golden glow frames the sea and the sky as they kiss along the centre of my world, as one world of water brushes the world of wings. The waves glide and crash like a comforting carpet which reminds with it’s strength and majestic power us that which we do not yet know. That which we may not understand but may still admire and see it’s invisible depths and imagine the impossible joy of infinity. In time I am not constrained to the past or dependant on the future. I am truly alive and fully myself in each of these fleeting and immortal moments as each wave shows me the present again and again in the gift which is this life. This incredible coincidence and miracle, that is to be. 

Antoinette’s poem, written from the perspective of the husband, inspired by their cold and sad relationship. The tragedy of their impossible union in “Wide Sargasso Sea” by Jean Rhys

The Dimming of her Light

She gazes to the sea to her stolen sounds so lost.

Where is your new song now strange creature show me now,

Show me not the sweet sadness of your solitude,

the sun we shall see again, again so no goodbyes,

Tell me of those times with such Saints and Pirates,

The last times of man taken by a quaking God

Awoke from a slumber by their follies in our dark lands.

They left all their Gold and Treasures that we will not know,

For they hold them in the night to hide the colours

of gems you buy and sell with your soul to the blackness.

Your words are sewn in the air like a doll’s face in cotton

So I feel nothing but the beauty of your madness.

Look at me now with those blank eyes, those jewels I did not buy

Be mine wild and lovely secret I do not know.

I will hold your flames hard in my grip, let them burn out.